Cady's Take:

John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) is a chain-smoking professional exorcist. In his younger days he had tried to commit suicide, which allowed him to visit and get a taste of hell, so nowadays he devotes his life to deporting half-breed devils back to burn in eternal damnation.

Apparently God and Lucifer have an ongoing bet over the souls of human beings. Neither side can violate the laws of free will, but they can do things to influence the actions taken by their mortal playthings. According to Constantine God is "a kid with an ant farm".

Eventually the demon slayer hooks up with a clairvoyant Los Angeles cop (Rachel Weisz) investigating the suicide of her twin sister. What do I say about Miss Weisz, saddled with the unfortunate burden of playing the 21st century damsel in distress she spends most of the movie trying to look poker faced in a wet white tank top. Can't stand her.

On a positive note the film does succeed in creating a stylish visual scheme including dingy interiors of urban blight, and suitably noirish, rain-slicked streets, while we're on Earth at least. The scenes where we venture to hell are completely absurd and tacky. Constantine will appeal most strongly to those with a penchant for vivid cinematic comic book adaptations. For everyone else, the last scenes with Peter Stormare (Fargo) as Satan are delicious. Are Satan's 6 minutes on screen enough to make this a pleasurable viewing. probably not.

In Francis Lawerence's "Constantine, Keanu Reeves plays Keanu Reeves...I mean, Constantine, a man who can see otherworldly, scary things like ghosts and demons. Constatine has lung cancer, an unfortunate development for someone who seems like he should have a little pull in the afterlife department. He can purge demons after all.

I cannot think of anything positive to say about this movie to be honest. The acting is bad, the plot ridiculous (the angel Gabriel is apparently an androgynous being in a pin-striped suit and asymmetrical bob, who says the F-word...whaaaa?). I think this film was supposed to impress me visually, but honestly, how can I be impressed with things that are flying and purging and blowing up when the reasons they are doing so are so dumb?

I am not a Keanu Reeves-hater. I like him. "Point Break" is one of my favorite movies of all time, and "Speed" and "A Walk in the Clouds" are on my list of "I'll watch this if it is on TV" movies. But honestly, run, don't walk, past "Constatine" on the shelf this weekend.